It was a cold night in downtown State College when I left to drive home from a late appointment. Although the University was out for the semester, the streets were anything but deserted. Graduate students taking a break from their never ending pursuits of the almighty thesis sipped lattes in one of the many cafes that line the streets. Last minute shoppers were still roaming the streets trying to get those last minute gifts bought before Christmas and there were always a few students who remained for the season. The streets were brightly lit with Christmas decorations on the trees, lampposts, storefront windows. It was a festive sight. Normally I love Christmas, but was overcome with a mood I had not felt in years. I knew I should not be feeling this way, but emotions often override the logical mind. I am prone to getting depressed and was getting those dark moments again. They do not last long but certainly are not welcome visitors.
The fact that my husband lost a close family member just a few weeks ago only compounded an already somber mood. He went into the hospital with side pain and left with an unknown and incurable disease that no one had suspected. In just over two weeks of constant pain, he was gone. Every day the family vacillated between not wanting to lose a family member and not wanting to see him suffer, but we all knew his time on Earth measured in days, not months. We knew that his life involved more than anything else a great deal of pain and expedience in reaching an end was probably the best thing for him. When it was all over my husband was left battling with finding himself having to assume new role in the family that he never expected to play. I was left with a lingering fear myself about my abilities to be the person he needed to support him emotionally in that role.
But this is all a part of the grief process and completely normal. Nonetheless, it makes for a difficult start to the the holiday season. Thanksgiving spent apart. Our young son crying for his father. An eerie emptiness in the dining room for Thanksgiving dinner and nobody paying attention to football.
Back to the present scenario, I put my focus on the hour (more or less) drive home. It is usually a welcome period of solace. They are few and far between in my busy life, trying to maintain the balance between work and family. This one was just not a happy one. I had recently bought Pink Floyd's "The Wall" on CD, an album that had not been in my mind for some time. Had the son of one of the members not bothered to get himself arrested, it still would be. But while the miscreants of youth usually only attract the attention of persons close to us, those of us who have parents of note make headlines when they get arrested, even if for less than newsworthy offenses. Since reading that story, "The Wall" had been running through my head. Not just one song, the whole album. I decided that before I went through anymore undue emotional trauma, I had better just breakdown and buy the CD. Then I played it on the drive up, over and over, the end result being undue damage to an already low mood.
As if I were not being perseverative enough, I played the CD (well actually there are two) over and over on the trip home. I was on a roll and saw no reason to break my momentum. I returned in a very foul mood. Things at home were usually a relief so I knew this would probably not last.
Everyone needs to have a reason to get out of bed in the morning, and to my delight my son was still awake when I returned home. "I missed you Mommy" was all I really needed to cheer up my mood for the time. Even if he had been asleep, just seeing him sleeping seems to boost my mood. I have made the observation that no matter how horrific a child's behavior can be during the day, once asleep, he will always have the face of an angel.
That particular episode did not end up lasting very long and I was back to myself soon. If I have learned anything in this life, I have learned to allow myself those occasional spells of self indulgent pity- the crying spells in the shower that nobody else knows about, the tendency to play choice songs over and over in my car or on my Ipod when I am alone, the playing on the computer for hours so as not to have to deal with people. If I do, the noxious mood will pass, if not, it is going to hang around for a while. I have learned enough to know that in this area of the country, there can be some very long winters. Those really fun euphoric episodes do not show up until the bulbs start popping up.
I
No comments:
Post a Comment