Now for the good stuff. Weird things get said on the psychiatric unit. Patients say weird things. Staff says weird things. Weird things happen. To be honest, weird things happen in med/surg units of the hospital, but the difference is med/surg people do not always appreciate it. Sometimes it scares them, sometimes it annoys them. They do not always understand what is a threat or not but if the behavior seems grossly psychotic, they tend to get uncomfortable and want it fixed.
When a patient who always believes he is God was admitted to the medical floor for legitimate medical problems, he acted the same way he always did. He stood by the door of his room blessing people. He did not threaten anyone or do anything that could in any way be interpreted as dangerous. He just stood at the door with his hand up in the air saying things like "Bless you, my child." That seemed pretty nice to me. The nurses did not think so and called for a consult about what to do to curtail this behavior. They were not happy with the response they were given. Our response was this was a fixed delusion, and no amount of medication was going to change that. He was not a danger to himself or anyone else and there was little that could be done to stop him from blessing people. We did advise that they were free to request that he remain in his bed because he needed rest. We also advised them they had the right to make the request that he not bless people in the hall of a hospital but beyond that, they were stuck treating God. But maybe it might buy them some brownie points with the Big Guy in the future.
Psychiatric units are fraught with bizzare comments, occurences and events that the workers tend to relish and retell with great joy. Here are some examples of things that I have actually heard on a psychiatric unit:
1) Pt X gave himself a swirly in a suicide attempt. (Given in morning nursing report.)
2) You will just have to accept the fact that I am Jehovah.
3) It's the beta rays doing it.
4) Are you one of those King James politicians?
5) He's got his underwear on now - on his head. (Before that he was naked so it was an improvement.)
6) Are you sure you want to see pt Y? Because he's naked.
7) Hey, this is an emergency! I'm hearing voices and he's hearing the same ones.
8) Am I naked? (No, you are not and we thank you for that.)
9) You've got a big butt! (Said by a patient to a nurse by the way.)
10) No one brought in me a bra. Can I use two spent nicotine patches as pasties?
11) No, really man! I'm not paranoid! I've just gotta get out of here before these people kill me!
12) There's a party going on in his head. (Description of a patient who had more visitors at one time than the rest of the unit combined. The problem was that none of them were real, but that did not stop him from having ribald discussions with them at all hours of the day and night.)
13) I am having normal bowel movements and so is the rest of my family. (Good you keep the lines of communication open.)
14) I don't hear voices. I just hear God talking to me.
And perhaps my all time favorite:
15) I need your help. I am a former Agent for Special Forces and they have me locked up in here against my will. I need you to get Delta Force to come up here and bust me out before they assassinate me. (Phone conversation between patient and, most likely, unprepared receptionist at the Pentagon. No, I am not kidding.)
To fully enjoy this kind of comment requires being there first hand and does not fare so well when retold by another which is why one has to actually work on a psychiatric unit to get these kinds of stories. Even with that, I will always maintain that psychiatrists have the best stories to tell.
No comments:
Post a Comment