The Black Hole

In all my years I have heard my patients talk about the dark hole, the dark tunnel. Some permutation, used quite frequently, always similar in its base description but just slightly different when you ask them to give details. Not every patient will talk to you about that dark hole. Not every patient gets that depressed.  Some who come complaining about being suicidal have never put much thought into what they are truly saying. Perhaps attention seeking for some, but thoughts of suicide are a coping skill for many. “If life gets too overwhelming, I always have the realization that if I am dead, I cannot suffer anymore.”  

 

Black holes may not be universal but certainly a common theme. Many patients speak about it.  Why it is so frequent that one has the subjective feeling of being surrounded by darkness, distanced from one’s world when feeling depressed could be debated.  Is it due to a brain starved of serotonergic input? Perhaps the ever so slight lack of oxygen caused by psychomotor retardation affecting one’s vision along with ability to move? It is real enough to one who dwells within.

 

 I have no proof of this, but I wonder if “The Pit” by Edgar Allen Poe was inspired by a depressive episode. Purely speculative, I do not know enough about the author’s personal life to say. I do know that his writings spoke quite frequently of similar themes, being trapped in enclosed spaces, unable to escape. Of course the ever constant ruminations of death and misery are highly suggestive of a depressed mind.

 

One thing I know is no one can fully understand what it feels like at the bottom of that hole unless he or she has been there. Everyone’s hole is their own. Varying in depth, breadth, and feel, they are all unique but somehow have a similar thread. They all come with the same sense of terror looking up at the top, desperately hoping someone will send a rope down, but no one does. You try to call for help, but your lungs will not expand enough to let you draw in the air to scream. Like those nightmares where you can see the shadowy figure in the window outside the door of your house, but you cannot run, cannot call for help, you feel desperate and trapped.  Scared but not sure of what and feeling alone, very, very alone.

 

Part of what keeps me going when I get overwhelmed by difficult patients, conflicts with the system or being overworked in general, it is knowing that I have a role in helping people out of that black hole. Yes, many of them will fall back in at a later date, depression is a frequently chronic illness but so is heart disease and diabetes, but you still treat it with the goal to get your patient  better.  It is possible to escape from the black hole, unlike most Edgar Allen Poe stories.

Antisocial Networking

I am still on medical leave and have always enjoyed my techno gadgets. Through the past few years I have wired everything with a computer chip in the house to our computer network and nurtured my little family of networked devices like it was a family. Once a new member was added to the family would then proudly announce to my husband and son about how they could now access one file on the new device rather than having to walk ALL THE WAY across the house to get it from the device it is actually stored on. Isn't that great? Huh? Huh? Then they would look at me that halfhearted "yeah, I guess" like Kip said to Uncle Rico in Napoleon Dynamite and go back to what they were doing.

Of course the real reason I like that feature is because I love the response when I send a file to print from my laptop unannounced to the desktop printer and someone is already on the desktop. The first time I did that, my son was at the desktop and his panicked response was hysterical. "The printer is printing!" He looked like he has seen a ghost. I think he thought a ghost was in the printer. Sadly, that still did not cure him of a bad addiction to Angry Birds, but it was worth a shot.

You can't teach an old dog new trick, though and old routers do not fare much better and our old router is rather antiquated. We usually end up needing to reset it about every 1/2 hour to keep our Internet connection. Now was a great time to update. So I ordered a new high speed router with better coverage, faster speed, and better security. It even was supposed to detect its own settings rather than being done manually upon set up. Just plug'n'chug. Like they used to tell us in Algebra II in high school. Wasn't that a load of crap?

After about three hours of plugging, unplugging, starting, restarting, and doing LOTS of bending and stooping, the old router is back on the computer. I am not supposed to be stooping or bending for four weeks post op. Now I see why. Which means we are having to cross the house and reset the router about every 1/2 hour again. The old router's green light mockingly blinks as if it were winking at the new router. "See, I told you she'd never be rid of me. Ha, ha, ha!" The old one sits in it's packaging lifelessly.

I must heal, but I will win this battle sooner or later. If I can conquer medical school, I can conquer a stupid router.

Happy Vernal Equinox

Well, technically it is Spring. The temperature has risen to above freezing, enough to melt the snow so it does not look so dismal but it still feels cold, especially with the wind in the mountains being so relentless this time of year. The upcoming week is not predicted to bring much relief.

My son is seven and still tends to believe those fables we tell our kids despite our admonitions that they are only stories. I would never tell him the truth about Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny (although I almost blew it with the Tooth Fairy, but that is another story), but he really does not need to believe in the predictive ability of Punxsutawney Phil if you ask me. Punxsy is only about 1 1/2 hours from here and on February 2nd he actually wanted us to drive him early on Saturday morning to go see them torment some poor rodent just for that ritual that he believes in. He should have just asked Momma and Daddy if we saw our shadows at 6AM on a Saturday morning when we were awoken so rudely.

Of course, Punxsy Phil did not see his shadow, and an early Spring was predicted. And my son was in tears because he wanted more time to go sledding. As before, my husband and I both could not convince him that regardless of the groundhog's keepers view of whether he saw his shadow or not (face it, the groundhog really does not give a shit) it does not appear that Spring was anywhere near arrival.

And so we took my son to a ski resort where he could go tubing. He got some sledding in too. Built a snowman. Ran around in the snow until his fingers were frozen and his lips were blue and still said he was not cold.


For me, I actually hoped the groundhog was right. I hate winter. I hate the cold weather, the long dark nights, driving to work in snow and slush and digging my car out of the same before going home. I get depressed to some degree every winter. Sometimes worse, sometimes less, but winter always affects me. I will stomp around the house every time we get another storm warning  shouting "Why do we live here? Why does anybody live here? Why would anyone have chosen to settle here 200 years ago. Why didn't they settle in warm places? Now we're stuck here. I hate it. I hate it. I HATE it!" Something like that. I wonder if snorting Wellbutrin would be more effective, or if it would just make my nose go numb and taste really foul. I have never tried it in case you are wondering. Yet.



But winter has persisted. Even my son complained that it was still cold today. "If it is Spring, why is it cold out? I am so tired of Winter!" Mr. Love the Four Seasons is growing weary of the weather, too.

But it is sunny today. Cold, but sunny. Maybe if I wear enough layers, I could tolerate it well enough to wallow in it and give my hypothalamus a jolt of energy. In terms of sunlight we are going to get more day than night for the next six months and cold or not, that is a start. Let the Sun shine in!

The World Comes Back to Life

It was been a long time since I have visited this blog. Time simply has not allowed for it and between writing this blog, spending time with my family and devoting time to my career, something had to go, and this was it.

Not that I do not enjoy writing. Thoughts come to my head that I truly feel are worthy of putting to paper but they are fleeting, and once the time comes when I can write them, the thought is lost. Perhaps that I why I like photography so much. It is easy to carry a camera and snap a picture while the image is still there. It annoys my husband at times. He ends up waiting for me frequently while I stop and "capture the moment" but even he admits that I can get some pretty good shots.

As it stands right now, I just had surgery and am off work for the next few weeks. With all the activity restriction I am on, I have a lot of time on my hands so I thought now was good time to reincarnate my blog. It was either that or eat. Considering I have a longstanding obsession about my weight, being told I cannot exercise is a bad thing. Eating out of boredom is, too.

The fact that tomorrow is the day that the world, at least from an astronomical standpoint, comes back life is only a coincidence with my reintroduction of this blog. Not that it feels like Spring. When I look out the window, it certainly does not look like it. The schools let out two hours early again yesterday due to snow, just to prove it is not quite Spring. There goes my son's education. I know somewhere in this world it is warm and sunny right now. Sadly I am not there. They probably have lots or Tequila and Rum, too. Sadly, I do not have any of that, either. I have a lot of snow and my rampant fantasies that I am in one of those sunny places. This is the Gulfo de Papaguyo in Costa Rico. It comes highly recommended.

But sooner or later it will get warmer. Sooner or later I will go back to work. Sooner or later that surgeon will let me do normal things like pick things up and go to Zumba class. Or drive. Or drink Rum and diet Coke. But for now, I am not allowed to drive a car or even take a leisurely walk. Hopefully I will not get fat.