I am not a typical woman, sending soppy greeting cards for even the slightest event in one's life. You know the kind- the covers are usually graced with butterflies, sailboats in the sunset or still lifes, most often with kittens in the foreground. On the inside, they have VERY long verses, so long that they have to be written on both sides of the card's interior. Face it, no one reads that. Usually the nausea starts kicking in too strong halfway through the first side for the reader to go any further and the rest is skimmed to the ending to see the business end- what the card is trying to convey - Happy Birthday, Congratulations on your new baby, etc and who sent the card. I do not send those cards. That said, I do not send fart joke cards either. I have some degree of taste. I will send humorous cards, just not Delta House frat boy cards.
There are cards that I would have liked to have sent, but did not for reasons of family unity, world peace, decorum, etc. I know there are some who will send those "I can't believe he did it" kinds of cards, I have seen it happen. A friend in college sent a sympathy card to a friend who married a woman with a case of raging borderline personality disorder. Was it the right thing to do? Probably not, but it was funny as hell and none of us in our social group got along with his new spouse very well. We hated to see him suffer and new that as long as he was with her, that was what was going to happen to him, so it did seem appropriate.
There are a lot of card sentiments that really could be put to good use by those of us who are gusty enough to send them. If only they could just divert the poets long enough to write them. For example:
Congratulations on your new baby...
-Too bad he/she is so damn ugly.
-I think he looks like the mailman, how about you?
-Maybe this one will beat the odds and have brains.
Congratulations on your Marriage...
-we wish you the best, but he is sleeping with your maid of honor so we all know were that's going.
-maybe this time it will last.
-It had better last considering the washcloths on your registry cost $90.
I'd send you flowers on Valentine's day but...
-I think you're and asshole.
-But I figured we might as well skip the dying flowers and get to the point so I sent condoms.
-I sent them to yo mama.
Happy Birthday!
-Try not to puke in your designated driver's back seat this year.
- You don't look a year older than 100!
- Don't forget to check your blood sugar before you eat that cake. Remember how you ended up in the ER last year in diabetic ketoacidosis.
Happy Father's Day
- I got you your favorite- cheap beer and generic cigarettes!
- even if you did beat the crap out of me and mollest my sister whenever Mom went to visit Grandma.
- I hope you enjoy your card because if you do not stop whining about the condom breaking, this if the last one you will see.
Happy Mother's Day
- to the Travel Agent for Guilt Trips of the Year.
- even if you did like my brother better.
- I liked you a lot more when you were still in the State Hospital.
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