Some would call me crazy, but I know I am being stalked by a gang of BMW 3 series cars that park in the physician's lot outside the hospital where I work. Since I work at the hospital full time, I get a good view of the cars that are parked there and they know me. They lurk in the corner of the lot when I walk to my car, whispering amongst themselves, plotting some unknown evil scheme that they will one day spring on me when I least expect it. My paranoia arose from a horrible realization that I made one spring day last year. It is the kind of story that Steven King novels are made of.
Doctors, as a general rule, drive one of two types of cars. One is the ridiculously overpriced status symbol which may, or may not have any real need to large/expensive/fast but they are that way nonetheless. Many are enormous gas guzzling POS SUV's that have no real purpose for existing. Sure, they carry all the kids, and they are all wheel drive which helps in the winter which is important. The fact that a Pontiac Vibe has all of those qualities does not count. It is not expensive, flashy and overloaded with all kinds of high tech gadgets that are bound to malfunction but look really cool and are sure to impress. Then there are the expensive luxury imports, usually German with all their high performance engineering, fast race inspired engines, gleaming chrome and sleek beauty. There are eternal arguments about which make is above which other in the pecking order on the Autobahn in the medical staff lounge. Not that it matters here but it makes one look really cool.
Second is the "I don't buy into that nonsense" doctors who drive decaying POS junkers that are usually missing a hub cap or two, part of the body molding, and blow black smoke out of the tale pipe. Some have black smoke coming from underneath the hood as well. These doctors are determined to drive their vehicles into the ground then will hopefully inherit a late aunt's old 1984 Crown Vic so to save them from have to actually deal with buying something new. Depending on the particular physician's leanings, their ride may bear bumper stickers declaring their support for very outdated political figures such as: Bush/Quail or stating "Bush (as in HW) lost, get over it." These guys are the ones who will have the audacity to park next to the most expensive car in the lot. The ones that even the standard issue expensive car owners will not park next to due to fear of being "not worthy." Every doctor's lot is going to have the occasional showing of the outlandishly expensive car- Bentley, Ferrari, Dodge Viper, Rolls Royce, etc. to make sure everyone feels inadequate. Except the for the POS owners. They are not impressed by any of this nonsense and are going to park next to these cars just to prove it. I wish I had that kind of gall, but I must confess, I am too much of a pussy. I have parked near a Ferrari just to get a look at it, but would never dare park adjacent to it.
There are always a few outliers who do not fit into either category. Those that have the "practical" car, not too expensive, but well built and reliable. Usually they are noted for good reliability (Toyota used to be one of them), able to manage well in the snow, can carry a lot of cargo and have good fuel efficiency. In other words, indescribably boring. Some doctors have common sense, but they are by far in the minority.
With all of that said, this leads me back to why I am being persecuted by a group of rogue BMW's. Having been a bit verbose, I am going to pull a Quentin Tarantino and continue this story in my next entry.
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