It was a rare spring afternoon last year when I was able to leave the hospital early when I made a very eerie discovery in the doctor's lot. It was an odd hour to be leaving, so there was no one else in the lot and it was quiet in a rather ominous way. All I heard was the breeze through the trees in the cemetery across the street (creepy in its own right) and the whirr of the cooling motor that runs on an Audi that has recently been shut off. As I left the building, I made a shocking realization. I looked out into a sea of almost exclusively German made cars, expensive ones at that- BMW's, Mercedes-Benz, Audi's, even a few Porsche's. There were a few slumming it in Volkswagen's and Mini Coopers but most went for the big guns. And in the corner, there was a pack of BMW 3-Series cars whispering amongst themselves, looking at me in a very suspicious way. I had never noticed such an enormous collection of precision engineering all in one place in my life. Considering that Germany contributes a relatively small percentage of automobiles that are sold in the US every year, the fact that this lot was occupied by well over 50% German based cars just did not seem right. Looking back, I realized that this was not the first doctor's lot that I had seen this situation happen and I came to a startling realization.

Contrary to popular belief, not all physicians come from wealthy families. Our backgrounds are surprisingly diverse. The somewhat homogeneous presentation they exhibit is part of a slow and laborious process that they themselves are not even aware is occurring. At some point in a physician's career, most likely early on, but sometimes a bit later, the victim finds him/herself driven by an uncontrollable urge to go out and test drive a German made automobile. Sucked in by seductive advertising, offerings of unique options that are sure to make the cover of Car and Driver (seen in most hip doctor's office's) and sponsorship of "intellectual" sports (skiing, European motocross, biking), their attraction is irresistible. Eventually the unknowing victim is drawn into the world of high performance, precision tuned machinery that can only be found in the world of the German automobile industry. Each victim finds him/herself pulled helplessly into the direction of one of the manufacturers, much like a naive college student drawn into a cult. One cannot just like German cars, one must favor one brand, be it Porsche, Audi, BMW, etc. The victim will with time, learn all of the specific advantages of his/her chosen line over the others and will mindlessly spout those statistics towards anyone who dares ask. With time, the process becomes so entrenched in their mindset, the victim ceases to exist as an independent thinker and is transformed into a mindless, non-thinking German Car Zombie. These poor victims roam the halls of the hospitals and medical offices staring blindly flashing enormous German Car key fobs, talking about needing to have their car taken in to have their oil changed with full synthetic oil and complaining about the price of high test gasoline loudly. They shuffle to their cars at the end of the day, arms outstretched, mumbling in a monotonous tone "must have high performance German technology." When their cars get old, they trade them in for the next level car of the same brand, never wavering from their blind obsession with their maker of choice. They will use words like "4matic", "Quattro", "Ultimate Driving Machine" with reckless abandon.

Having chosen a pet manufacturer, they will argue about the pecking order by which cars must yield right of way to one another on the Autobahn. They will be very fast to criticize any other manufacturer and quote specific reasons for their dislike of said manufacturer. They will talk about how the Germans put down said manufacturer, even if they have never actually been to Germany, which most of them have not. They park their cars in groupings, Audi's in one cluster, BMW's in another so as not to be infected by mechanical "cooties." They cluster in set regions of the lot much like the Crips and the Bloods have their turf wars and much woe will fall upon the unsuspecting Lexus that tries to breach that territory. The victims of such cults take on a certain paranoia about the "other" cars out there with time, as if those cooling engines one hears were more than just high tech devices designed to fail, so as to give the dealership more business at the service department. They are growling monsters set to pounce on anyone who dares to disrespect their clan.

Which leads me to my daily struggle. I never should have listened to the psych nurse on the unit who told me that the Germans called BMW's "Euro Trash". That only let me to the habit of making a point to every BMW owner that I met that Audi has moved ahead of BMW in the pecking order on the Autobahn, especially since the inception of the TT. But hey, my TT gave me some of the most fun I have ever had in a four wheeled vehicle, and besides, the new A4 did outrank the BMW 3 series in horsepower, acceleration and gas mileage. Besides, no one has ever beaten the Quattro all wheel drive system at road handling, especially those lousy BMW rear wheel drive transmissions, so HA! Beat that! Hey 3 Series guys, just try to catch me in a snowstorm! You will be stuck in a ditch in a heartbeat! I DARE you!......


...As ashamed as I am to admit it, I too, am a German Car zombie.