The Third Sign of Spring

The third sign of spring is probably the most predictable, and requires the most patience, but these can also be the most entertaining. That is the Floridly Euphoric Manic Patient Who is Just Thrilled to See You! By the way, is your friend over there married? He seems to be a bit young, but I just LOVE green eyes and men in Levi's and did I tell you about the guy that my daughter was dating who wore Levi's three years ago? Boy, he was a catch, she should have never let that one go, but well, he did not want to move when she got that promotion and it was a good opportunity and I guess that I cannot blame her because she has dental and that is hard to get now, besides........



Manic patients have always traditionally be thought of in popular culture as euphoric, happy-go-lucky types that are full of energy and life. In reality, they rarely show up this way, and certainly not on a psychiatric unit. They are more often angry, labile, demanding and can be quite dangerous. There is NOTHING wrong with them and they DO NOT want to be in the hospital and they are not going to be nice about telling you this. They really do not want to take any medication that slows them down. The fact that the patient was just fired from a minimum wage job for threatening to kill the supervisor and just bought a brand new Dodge Viper is not a problem. He has just written a rap lyric that he is quite certain he plans to sell to Eminem and make millions and being in the hospital is just an impedance in doing that. The patient is in a hurry too. That first payment for the Viper is due in a week and $125,000 is a lot of car loan to pay off.

Springtime manic patients are not always very nice either, but there are always a few that come in looking like they have been in hibernation for the past three months and have saved up all those thoughts and are going to tell you them in the next 1/2 hour. Then they are going to set you up with their son, find themselves a new husband, buy new cars for everyone on the unit that does not have one, open up a new stock portfolio, negotiate world peace, and so on. They need to get to that NOW because they have a bunch of stuff to get to tomorrow, also. They are best kept away from classified ads and younger men. I recall a patient several years ago who came upon a much younger man, pulled up a chair and announced loud enough for the whole unit to hear "Well, aren't you just the most handsome young hunk of meat I have ever laid eyes on!" I was not sure if she was talking about a side of beef or the patient. Lots of fun, these guys. Sometimes they can be a bit verbose and it can be hard to get them out of your office, especially when they are talking about their grandchildren or some rude store supervisor at the mall that they had a run in with, but they do add a lot of color. Once they show up, I know that the bright colors of Spring are sure to show up soon, too.

Or at least a lot of bear poop in my back yard.